We were in “luuuuuv” and convinced that love would carry us through any rough times we might encounter in our marriage, not that we thought we would have any because we were perfect for each other. His sense of humor made me laugh when I was taking life too seriously. He found my words of encouragement and endless energy very appealing. Then we walked the aisle, moved in together and we were off on this journey.
Within the first few weeks, it was clear that while opposites do attract, our differences played more of a role in our relationship than we thought. I mean I loved Jay’s sense of humor and spontaneity, but I really had no idea how much leaving cabinet doors open, folding towels the wrong way and not paying attention to time got under my skin. In his defense, I am certain my organizational skills (which I consider a strength), type A personality, expectation for long conversations about how his day went and need to spend time with him were unnerving as well.
I will never forget our first argument as a married couple. We were about 90 days into our marriage when Jay walked into the house and I looked at him and said, “Divorce is not an option but we really need to talk!” He looked up with this deer in the headlights look of bewilderment, totally clueless that anything was going on, but quite sure he had done something very wrong.
It was at that moment when both of us realized this marriage relationship was a unique thing. We loved each other very much, but it was obviously going to take more than love to make it to our 50th wedding anniversary.
The good news is we were not alone. Literally thousands of couples marry each year and have the same expectations we did. The bad news is, when many of these couples hit this first storm they begin to question their decision.
“The truth is, a soul mate isn’t something you find,” said Dr. Tim Gardner, Director of the Marriage Institute. “A soul mate is someone you intentionally become. To have a soul mate and the marriage you are looking for, you have to work at making it work. Real and lasting love is something you do, not something you magically have. You have to learn how to stay together – this is when you really learn what it means to be soul mates.”
Lessons We Have Learned
In the 18 years we have been married, we have definitely made mistakes. I want to share a few things we have learned in hopes that it will help you make your marriage journey a great one.
Find a mentor couple
While neither one of us is perfect, we believed that we were good together so we decided to enlist some help to teach us how to take our relationship to the next level. Several couple friends, who had been married over 25 years, came beside us to encourage us in the day to day things we encountered in our marriage. As our mentors, we could go to them when our marriage ran into rough spots and get good objective words of wisdom. Sometimes they told us what we were experiencing was normal and encouraged us not to over react. Other times we had very frank discussions about issues that were derailing our marriage. Just watching these couples interact in their own marriage taught us a lot about what it meant to be loving and committed in a relationship. Research shows that having a mentor couple can be tremendously helpful to newlywed couples since they often tend to idealize what marriage should be like. Don’t be afraid to ask for help on the front end of a problem. Waiting until the issue has festered and has swollen up makes resolving it much more complicated, painful, time - consuming and expensive.
Focus on your own weaknesses and your spouse’s needs
We learned that we don’t like being each other’s extreme makeover project. When we said “for better or for worse” in our vows, that meant we were accepting each other for the good, the bad and the ugly that we both brought to the relationship. No couple comes together without baggage of some sort. Instead of focusing on each other’s weaknesses we have learned over the years to focus on our own weaknesses and the other person’s needs.
When you are in a relationship with somebody, you become a better listener if you truly learn how to humble yourself. Your ego doesn’t have to be fed as much, which allows you to become a better spouse. Putting someone else’s needs before your own may be difficult at first, but at some point it becomes refreshing, especially when your spouse is seeking to out - serve you.
Attack the problem, not each other
One of the most valuable lessons we learned was to attack the problem instead of each other. I have a pretty strong personality where Jay is fairly laidback. When I get upset about something I can be downright persistent (some people refer to it as nagging), which doesn’t exactly make Jay want to work with me. Learning how to talk about things without tearing each other down has been helpful.
Seek opportunities to learn more about each other
The day my husband figured out my love languages were acts of service and time, it was the day our relationship went to a whole new level. His love languages are words of encouragement and physical touch. Through attending a workshop on The Five Love Languages, we finally understood that one of the things both of us had been doing was giving each other our own love languages. I had been doing all kinds of things for Jay like spending hours cleaning the house. While he appreciated a clean house, his response to all of my effort was underwhelming. Learning to speak my love language was somewhat of a foreign concept to Jay, but I think he would tell you the benefits of doing the laundry or vacuuming the floors for me are worth the effort. Don’t misunderstand, Jay clearly does not enjoy doing laundry, scrubbing floors or picking up the house. I know he does it because he loves me, which makes it a million times more meaningful to me. During the 18 years we have been married, we have intentionally sought to learn more about each other. It has been an adventure that neither one of us could have predicted.
Don’t sweat the hard times
In many instances couples tend to believe they will be the exception to the rule. All those other people might have issues, but that will never be us. As the saying goes, never say never because you don’t know what is lurking around the corner.
Within the first 8 years of our marriage we experienced death, job loss, brain surgery, and the birth of a child. Not all of the things we experienced were bad, but they created change, required energy and created stress in our lives. We found that these things had the potential to drive a wedge in our relationship if we weren’t careful to keep the lines of communication open and to see each event for what it was. Looking back, even through the toughest times, we can see how those times brought us closer together as a couple.
Put away your pride
We found that pride could get in the way of a lot of good things happening in our relationship. Waiting for the other person to say “I’m sorry” before apologizing, wanting to have the final word, the need to be right, holding a grudge, or keeping score were all things that made our relationship miserable. When we were able to put away our pride and do the things that were in the best interest of our marriage, things went a lot smoother and we were much happier.
Marriage is an amazing journey with tremendous benefits if you are willing to learn how to become each other’s soul mate. If you had told me I would be more in love with my husband today than I was 18 years ago when I walked down the aisle, I would have laughed at you. But the truth is, committing to make the marriage work, having the willingness to be vulnerable, and putting forth the elbow grease needed to learn how to love my husband are things I do not regret. The road has been rocky at times, but the good times have far outweighed the hard times, and the gifts of friendship, respect, trust, faithfulness, humor and insight are things money can’t buy.
If you are about to be married or you are newlywed there are resources available to you in our community, many of which are free, that can help you get your marriage off to a great start. For more information about classes, excellent reading materials, websites and retreats visit www.firstthings.org